Uncle Petey's Chocolate Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

• 1 box - Betty Crocker Chocolate Cake Mix
• 1 stick - Unsalted Butter
• 1 cup - LACTAID Milk (or buttermilk)
• 1 tsp. - Cinnamon
• 2 - Eggs (only the egg shells)
• 2 tbsp - Confectioner's Sugar
• 4 gigabytes - RAM
• 2 tbsp. - Hot glue 
• 1 cup - Formaldehyde 
• 1 tsp. - Heated Silicon Particulate 
• 1/2 cup - Sand (preferably Galapagos in origin) 
• LOTS of - Carrots 
• 1 cup - Zambian Stone Ground White Cornmeal 
• 1/4 cup - Steal Cut Oats 
• 3 tbsp - Wood Shavings (can be substituted for wood chips) 
• 1 tsp - Iguana Manure 
• Uranium-235 (As much as you can obtain without raising government suspicion) 
• 1 Metric Ton - Salt 
• 1 1/4 cup - Digoxin 
• 3 tsp. - Ethylene Glycol
• 1 - Modal Light Electron Particle Accelerator magnetic propulsion driver
• 1 - Modal Light Electron Particle Accelerator Drum
• 1 - Modal Light Electron Particle Accelerator Centrifuge
• 1 - Blackberry 
• 1 - Horned Melon 
• 1 cup - Lime Juice 
• 1 tbsp. - High-Fructose Corn Syrup 
• 1 square - Hershey's Chocolate Bar 
• 1/4 cup - Batrachotoxin 
• Artificial Fruit Flavoring 
• Artificial Chocolate Flavor 
• Artificial Caramel Coloring 
• Artificial Sweetener 
• 10 cups - Water 
• Glass Shards 
• Fiber Glass Insulation 
• 2 cups - Black Beans 
• Iron Shavings

Cooking Instructions:

1. Begin by preheating your oven to 900.
2. Gather all of the paper products from around your house and put them inside a paper bag.
3. In a large blender, place 30 eggs. With the lid off, set the blender to high and walk away, leaving the it unattended.
4. From your linen closet, procure several large towels. Go to each sink in your house, dampening the towels, stuffing them into the sink's drains, and leaving the water on high.
5. In a large commercial baker mixer, combine all of the ingredients listed above. Set the mixer to its highest setting and, again, walk away leaving it unattended. (Ignore any high pitched screeching, winning, scrapping, etc.)
6. As the ingredients mix, procure a large, red, plastic, bio-hazard bag.
7. Return to the blender. By this time, the ingredients will most likely look exactly the same, barring damp and slightly broken. Careful not to inhale any dust, pour all of the ingredients into the large, red, plastic, bio-hazard bag.
8. By now, the oven should be preheated. If it isn't, do not worry, it shouldn't make much of a difference. Carefully throw the paper products obtained earlier into the oven. DO NOT SHUT THE OVEN DOOR!
9. Vacate the house, bringing the large, red, plastic, bio-hazard bag containing your mixed ingredients with you.
10. Using a phone (both cell phone and land line will work), call your local law enforcement, local fire department, the CDC, and center for the disposal of hazardous waste (in that order).

If Followed Correctly, The Finished Product Should Closely Resemble This.